Is there ever going to be an end to this?

It's a question I ask myself every waking moment of my existence. 

I have been a fighter or over 15 years, battling illness and fighting for autonomy since the moment I began seeing the world. 

And today this fighter surrenders to it.. I no longer want to fight this battle. My psychologist asked me a question today that got me thinking - "What keeps you going?" and I replied because I want to live and be normal and do all the things people do. And then I left after the session thinking about the actual answer and to my surprise, I didn't find any.

I found no reason to go on and fight this battle any more. 

I found myself thinking about all the things I have ever wanted and not got. I think of the adolescence I have lost during my hospital visits, My youth that I lost fighting for my life, love and freedom. I think of the person who took my heart with him and never returned it and wonder if he ever realised how much he had wronged me, Does he realise that he not only broke my heart, he stole my soul and spirit in the process and left me bereft of my own self esteem and confidence, stripped me of who I was, standing naked in front of a battle I wasn't ready to fight alone. 

And as if life hadn't given me enough grief, I am left alone to fight the hardest battle I have ever fought, Cancer. It's a word you think is for others and not for you. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined I would have to fight this too.

I struggled through the first transplant and came out as a hardened person. The pain and misery have left me broken. I lost my hair and whatever little self confidence I had was gone. On top of that, I am still fighting for autonomy and control over my own life. my parents still treat me like I am five and tell me what to do and not do and I have again despite all efforts have become the 'sick child' of the house. Below are pictures of me before and after the transplant. 

Before the Transplant

After  the Transplant

And here I stand totally empty and still needing to prepare myself ready for the next transplant. A transplant with higher risks and unknown side effects. I think and talk to myself that I need to go through this but the thought of putting myself through this is where I stop and my brain and heart are screaming out the words "No, No more, please have mercy on yourself, don't put yourself through this, you don't deserve more pain".

I can't do this any more. My mind and body are tired. I look at the mirror and see this lonely, sad, broken, unattractive girl. I am so tired. And I again ask myself  the same question yet again.

"Is there ever going to be an end to this?"