The predicament of my existence...

You're damned if you try, you're damned if you don't..... I face the dilemma of my existence day in and day out.... Where does one go when life gets tricky? Do you run or do you stay?

My predicament is the following two choices....

Do not work - Stay at home and stay indefinitely on an ongoing insurance which is never enough to pay for all medical expenses and let my life waste away and feel worthless and to top it all of accumulate debts and never be able to do the things I love and fulfil my bucket list before the doctor waves the red flag and its too late.

 OR

Work - Do I work in jobs that don't matter and earn money. By doing this day in and day and try to pay my debts and may be able to save enough money to do the things I love. The risk in this choice getting sick from exhaustion or infections and losing precious time that may never come back.

I question the purpose of my life every day and find no answers. Am I alone or are there many like me who seek answers to this puzzle every moment of their being. Why was I damned with this disease. Why did god give me a strong and intelligent mind when I can't put it in to use? What was the point of it all?

Live - Do I continue to live this life and wait till the end? Wait till the misery ends? Do I keep pushing myself to get up every morning and find a purpose of my existence? Do I try and fulfil my bucket list despite all odds? Do I live just because I can't hurt my family and friends by choosing otherwise?

OR 

Not Live - Do I listen to my body and mind and let it rest in peace? Can I let go and just be happy with the life and moments I've I've shared with my loved ones? Is it acceptable to decide when you've had enough and can no longer take another step?

What do you do when you are in my position? I wish someone would swap lives with me for just a few moments so they can see the dilemma of my life and help me cross the bridge and come out on the other side.....

A dream to never wake up again

Exhaustion is finally setting in, my legs are tired of kicking and I am no longer able to keep my head above the water. My body slowly gives in and stops trying to hold onto this life not long ago I so desperately wanted to. 

I stand at the bank of the river and see my limbless body slowly sink into the unknown. I could see it for a few more seconds before it completely disappeared. I sat there for what seemed like hours but probably were the longest few minutes of anyone's existence. I use existence and not say my life as I no longer live. I'm a shadow of the someone who just left me. A lone tear slips down my cheek and I smile. I'm finally free. Free from this pain and misery. Free from the constant battles. Free from the disease. It's over. 

I suddenly wake up with a jolt. I didn't want to be pulled out of the dream. What a lot of people may find horrific, to me is a beautiful dream. A dream of no longer suffering in this world. An existence beyond this body's pain and agony. A place where I no longer have to set foot into another hospital or get another scan or get pricked by another needle.

I am a cancer patient, I wish I could say I'm a proud cancer survivor, but unfortunately in today's modern and advanced society, there's still no cure for multiple myeloma. It's added on to my earlier in curable diseases of lupus and hypothyroidism. As if the list wasn't enough. 

My body is slowly showing signs of decay and an eventual collapse. But the doctors keep moving me from one drug to another hoping of giving me a chance at life. Is this life so important - is it even worth living this life with all the pain it brings along with it. 

The disease has made me financially poor and I now have large debts. As an unfortunate consequence of that I can't fulfil my bucket list. How ironic is this - I'm running our time so I should do everything I want to. But hey I need money to do it so I need to work. If I work, there are two consequences - I then don't have time to do anything else, I'll run out of time by the time I can earn enough money and eventually my body would wither away and I won't be able to do those things anyway. 

So I ask the question again. Is there a point of my existence. Is it too much to say I've had enough. Technically speaking, this is my life and I should have  the right to choose what I do with it, when I live and when I die. So how have laws and this society taken that basic right away from me. Why can't I sleep and never wake up..