How do you define loneliness?

Have you ever wondered what loneliness actually means. What are we comparing it to? Is it opposite of happiness or is not not being surrounded by people. Who are these people whose absence makes us lonely? Or is it this one person who has caused the void in your heart? Is it because we miss this person or just got used to them being someone?

Loneliness for me more than being alone (literally). My soul is empty and void of joy. It seems the one I loved not only took my heart with him, he took my ability to feel at peace and content with him. I surround myself with people day in and day out and yet I stand alone looking at their smiling faces. Why don't I feel the joy in life like they do? I have always fought battles and have always come out alive, then why am I already dead in this battle before I have actually fallen to the ground?

Cancer, My Love, Parents, Siblings, Friends - Can I have any more battles to fight at the same time? I thought I had so many to love and who loved me and then why do I stand here alone fighting all these battles today? Why am I lonely? Why is my heart sinking with every step I take? Why do I go ten steps backwards with each step I take forward?

Too many unanswered questions. Too many battles for one person to fight at one time. I struggle to find the reasons to go on.

Is there ever going to be an end to this?

It's a question I ask myself every waking moment of my existence. 

I have been a fighter or over 15 years, battling illness and fighting for autonomy since the moment I began seeing the world. 

And today this fighter surrenders to it.. I no longer want to fight this battle. My psychologist asked me a question today that got me thinking - "What keeps you going?" and I replied because I want to live and be normal and do all the things people do. And then I left after the session thinking about the actual answer and to my surprise, I didn't find any.

I found no reason to go on and fight this battle any more. 

I found myself thinking about all the things I have ever wanted and not got. I think of the adolescence I have lost during my hospital visits, My youth that I lost fighting for my life, love and freedom. I think of the person who took my heart with him and never returned it and wonder if he ever realised how much he had wronged me, Does he realise that he not only broke my heart, he stole my soul and spirit in the process and left me bereft of my own self esteem and confidence, stripped me of who I was, standing naked in front of a battle I wasn't ready to fight alone. 

And as if life hadn't given me enough grief, I am left alone to fight the hardest battle I have ever fought, Cancer. It's a word you think is for others and not for you. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined I would have to fight this too.

I struggled through the first transplant and came out as a hardened person. The pain and misery have left me broken. I lost my hair and whatever little self confidence I had was gone. On top of that, I am still fighting for autonomy and control over my own life. my parents still treat me like I am five and tell me what to do and not do and I have again despite all efforts have become the 'sick child' of the house. Below are pictures of me before and after the transplant. 

Before the Transplant

After  the Transplant

And here I stand totally empty and still needing to prepare myself ready for the next transplant. A transplant with higher risks and unknown side effects. I think and talk to myself that I need to go through this but the thought of putting myself through this is where I stop and my brain and heart are screaming out the words "No, No more, please have mercy on yourself, don't put yourself through this, you don't deserve more pain".

I can't do this any more. My mind and body are tired. I look at the mirror and see this lonely, sad, broken, unattractive girl. I am so tired. And I again ask myself  the same question yet again.

"Is there ever going to be an end to this?"